The Low Points

Many people look back on their lives and sometimes say "That was the low point". Well, for me the "low point" as it were seems to cycle every so often. I'm very unhealthy about what I eat, I'm very unscheduled about what time I wake up, whether or not I perform my morning or night routines, I barely exercise, and I'm generally unenthused about my job. Life has been this way for a bit over a week now, and I feel as though I'm being followed everywhere I go by an overwhelming feeling of pointlessness. I feel, at times, as though there's some eternal understanding that, whatever I do, I'm going to stay fat, I'm going to stay ignorant, I'm never going to learn everything I want to learn, I'm not going to be able to rise to the occasion, and I have managed to succeed and achieve whatever I have achieved mostly because of luck, randomness, having a good personality, the kindness and relatable nature of others, and other nonsense like that.

That's all a bunch of baloney. I need to snap out of this. The problem is, even if I do start waking up early, exercising, eating right (I have enough healthy food jammed into my freezer to last me a while), taking more care to perform my morning and evening routines (which, honestly relate more to shaving my face and brushing my teeth than any longer rituals that others would imagine), what's to keep me from hitting a psychological slump in another 2 months time and failing to take care of myself? I will have put back on all the weight I took off (I'm 142 now, slowly creeping upward) and I will have once again done a great injustice to my body, my mind and my way of life in general.

My greatest issue right now is, sadly, that I have to find something to make me want to stay sharp, physically and mentally. I don't feel like staying sharp physically because I don't see why I should if my shoulder tendonitis is going to inhibit me from pushing my body to the max...but I can still push myself and get a tough workout in without aggravating it. I'm pretty sure I can anyways. Pull-ups are difficult for someone like me. One would think being a doctor would prompt someone to know everything about everything, but the task is extremely daunting, especially when everyone around me appears to know more than I do, about everything. That doesn't mean I should stop reading altogether though. It actually means I should read more. But I don't.

Eastern philosophy teaches not to work for the sake of results. It teaches to find purpose in the work itself, to be dedicated to the process. More of a "Journey not destination" type thinking. Either that or I'm misinterpreting things entirely. "We must be the same in praise and in blame" and "Be mindful about everything you do" echo in my head. I guess it's difficult to be mindful about something if I choose not to do it. What if I'm mindful about how I use my time? Might that help?